Summer Glory

To me, there's really nothing better than this: jumping into cool, refreshing water on a hot summer day. This picture practically screams summer, and I love it. I also love that head. : )

But Out There is No Better

Sometimes in my darkest thoughts, I think things I'm ashamed to even think. Sometimes life just gets so hard. Sometimes I am so at the end of my rope, I simply don't know if I can stay sane. 

Sometimes I feel like God doesn't hear me or care about my problems.

It's hard to say outloud what I think in my head when it's so wrong. 

Sometimes I think it's not worth it. Why do I keep following God? Why don't I just give up and live however I please? I guess in those dark, empty moments, the only thing that keeps me believing is the thought that it's even worse without God. I might feel unheard and uncared for, but there certainly isn't anyone else who will care for me like He does. 

I have to keep forcing myself to believe that I'm not forsaken.

Music

Why does music get to me? Do you ever feel that? Like music gets deep down like other ways of communicating don't? 

It's beautiful or it's nasty. I guess that's why my mom used to say it was important what music we chose to listen to, because it would affect us more. 

I want it to make me think deeply but not garbagy. 

Music full of good stuff can make me feel deeply but in a good way. 

Other music makes me feel nasty and want to get away from it. 

Am I Alone?

Sometimes I talk to other moms, and I start to think I'm not the only one who's going crazy. Then they tack on this nice Christiany saying like, "But's God's grace," or "It sure is sanctifying, isn't it?" 

I give a fake chuckle, but I'm thinking, "That wasn't exactly the way I would put it."

They're so close to being like me, but then they sound so good. Are they actually that good? Do they know how to stay strong? Because I really do lose it. Sometimes I don't feel like God is being gracious. Sometimes sanctifying is more like hellifying. 

Maybe I have the worst kids; more likely I have the worst attitude. 

But sometimes I wonder, "Are they just saying that because they have to around other Christians? Are they actually losing it?"

Maybe I really am alone. Maybe I really am the only one who sometimes wishes I wasn't a mom. 

It sounds so bad to say outloud. I guess maybe they're all just preaching to themselves. They're trying to remind themselves that it really is worth it. 

But sometimes I just feel dead and done. Am I alone?