Burnout

We go, go, go. The kids wear me down. The schedule is hard. The heart is tired and hurt. The sunset is gray. 

I go to bed exhausted. I wonder when it will ever end. I wonder when she'll ever grow up and stop throwing fits every day. I wonder when he'll stop working nights and we'll sleep together every night. I wonder when I'll feel alive again. 

There is a short peace I feel sometimes though. Even in the burnout, I sit in the evening quiet while the windows are open and the crickets churp rythymically. Sometimes I feel hopeless, and sometimes I feel about to quit. 

But somehow, I keep going, even though my head is burning. 

Trying to Be Thankful

Life has been really difficult this year as a whole. I am trying to be thankful. I know that when I look for every good thing in my life, I tend to be happier than when I am stewing on every bad thing I can search for. 

Here is something I am so thankful. This little chubby bubby is a real joy to me. 

A Little Bitty Jungle

Growing right on our balcony. 

Your Mom

 

Your mom is struggling with you these days. You are so difficult. I love you, but some days I don't like you too much. People always talk about about the terrible two's, but I always thought I would just train my kids to not be like that. Not so. You are terrible. But, I'm going to keep being your mom and keep training you and loving you and so hoping that one day it actually pays off. And when you're sitting there so happy in God's green and blue earth, I'll be so happy, too. 

Peaceful Place

 

This is my peaceful place. This is where I love to be, and I feel so close to God and so close to my family. I think we're all just so happy at this creek. 

My Rock

For some reason, they didn't like him. For some reason they, they said we'd suffer if we did what we were going to do. For some reason, they thought they were God. 

Turns out, they didn't know what they were talking about. Turns out, they were wrong. God gave me a rock of a man. Someone to help hold me up when I'm falling to pieces. Someone to push me on in the good work God has called me to. Someone to hug me close when that's what I need most. Someone to love me no matter what. 

And someone to be the best dad ever to our children. 

I love you forever, Jacob. 

Go Away

Will this pain ever go away? Will I ever be able to think about her without just feeling angry, sad, desserted, horrified? 

Sometimes it feels like the sadness is just going to get worse. I can't make any sense of it. It's easy to compare her death to Micah's. He went out as a hero. Bethany went out...ugh. She wasn't supposed to. It wasn't her time. And you can't tell me that was just God's will for her life. Murder is never God's will. 

I Hurt So Much

I can't stop thinking about you. Everything I do, everywhere I go, whatever I see, somehow they all remind me of you. And why are you gone? I hate thinking about you because I hate knowing you're gone forever. I hate looking at your stuff, looking at pictures of you, being reminded of how you left us. It just hurts too much.

But here I am, posting a picture of you. I sigh inside my heart. why do you like to hurt people so much?