I'm Still Me

I'm still me. 

I still smile at the stranger on the street. 

I still go to church because I want to. 

I still laugh and make jokes with my sisters. 

I still call up my girlfriends just to see how they're doin'. 

I still play hymns on the piano.

I still watch the sun fall into the trees. 

I still make random cards for random people.

I still bake bread and make dinner.

I still do the laundry and clean the bathroom. 

I still create art and sew clothes.

I still love you.

I guess I'm just sayin', maybe you think I've changed a lot, but I'm still me. 

Please don't always think the worst of me. 

Picture by Lydia

I'm So Happy

I'm so happy. 

I can hardly believe I'm getting married. It makes me so excited, and it's hard to contain all that happiness. 

How'd I get such a great man? He's such a great friend, and I get to be with him for the rest of his life, or mine, whoever goes first. That's a discussion. 

Anyway, I am so happy, and I just wanted to let you know. 

So, Yeah...

 

Hey, hon, 

I know this ain't easy. I know there don't seem to be a whole bunch of hope. 

I know you might feel kinda down or maybe just mad, but I think it'll be fine in the end. 

You have a God who is bigger than anything. He can do some pretty amazing things. 

Things ain't looking so bright right now, but they'll get better. 

Sometimes God does things that seem so strange to us, they don't make human sense. 

But, then we look back, and suddenly we start to see reasons. 

Sometimes we don't ever see the reasons, but it helps to know that God knows. 

So, dear, I'm writin' this just to remind you that someone does think the world of you. 

And, that someone ain't goin' no where. 

So, yeah...keep you're head up. 

❤

Moments of Peace

I was alone today, just for a little bit, but it was nice. 

I felt the calm and the peace. The voices and noises that knock me down every day were gone. I could see the sky, feel the wind, smell the wild, walk quietly through the grass. 

I went to my prayer place, but when I got there, I knew what I already know. I knew there was no reason to doubt. Once again, I was back in my memory of that day not so long ago when I walked away and prayed and knew. 

I still know. 

These moments of peace are rare these days. I cried my soul out last night. I fell to pieces. But today I felt a calm. 

I don't even know why everything is the way it is, but I see the sun on the other side of the clouds. 

But Also Broken

Sometimes the days are bright, and I remember that I should be more thankful. 

Sometimes the days are very dark, and I have to tell myself to still be thankful. 

I praise Him, but I am also broken. I feel so lost. So desperate. 

He still shows His amazing love and unfailing mercy, even when the fog feels so thick. 

So, I'm thankful and praising You, but I'm also broken and need You more'n ever. 

Praise

Sometimes all the pressure hits me with such horror and pain

Sometimes the only remedy is praise

The only answer sometimes is just to be get my eyes off myself

Quit complaining and freaking out

And start to praise You because You are greater than all of us. 

So, here's an offering of praise

My heart sings loud

Beyond this darkening cloud

You hold everything

And thanksgiving takes wing

You are God above

You're abounding in love

You are full of light

You cast out the dark night

I have nothing to give

But this offering to live

A sacrifice of praise

I will love You always. 

Thinking About...

Thinking about the goodbye is kind of weird. 

Goodbye to the people

Goodbye to the place

Goodbye to the church

The job (that'll be ok)

The splashes of color

The mornings on the porch

The cats

The walks by the farm

The late nights talking with her

The mess

The crazy.

All of it. 

Some things I won't miss though.

Some things I'll be happy to leave.

Will I even care to say goodbye?

But thinking about all of it makes me excited

Like a little girl anticipating a day at the zoo with her friends. 

And mainly, I'm thinking about being with you.

Nightmares

Accusations. 

Those are the worst of nightmares. False accusations. 

I try to prove myself. Over and over again I try to prove that what I did was OK, or even that I didn't do it at all. But to no avail. The anger I see in their eyes hurts down to my bones. Makes me weak. 

But, I ain't one to give up or take defeat. 

I know what I must do. I can't back down. I know what I did wasn't wrong, and I can't go on living in fear. Fear of them. Fear of accusations. 

And, yet, I suppose I am guilty. Guilty for loving you. 

The Rain

The rain falls down, but I wonder if it's just my heart. 

There is gladness even in rain though. My heart may shed tears because it feels dark and cold and lonely, and yet there is washing and refreshing and renewing in the showers. 

The air feels damp and dank, and the shadows fade away because there is no sun. But, it then lulls me to sleep, and I find myself dreaming of you. 

Ugh

I never thought this would stink so much. 

I never thought I'd be the one going through this kind of stuff. I always thought it would be her or him or something. I guess pride comes before a fall, or however that goes. 

I hate it, but I ain't givin' up either. I can't. I mean what I say, so I ain't backin' down.

So, yeah, my head aches and my heart hurts, but I'll keep loving you. 

That Breaking News

I Never Knew You

My heart dropped. 

You were, and then you were gone

The news stunned me.

Tears flooded my soul

Why did you have to lose your life?

The tears flowed because

I never knew you.

Who were you?

What were you like?

Where would you be now?

I was angry

An anger that tore my heart.

How could they destroy you?

How could they not love you?

I never even got to know you.

Were you a girl or a boy?

Would you have been fun?

Would I even have known you?

My eyes began to cry.

I never knew you.

I hate that thing that took you

I hate that weapon of destruction

I hate death

I hate it

Because I never even knew you. 

I wish I could have been there

I would have taken you

I would have cared.

Why did He let it happen?

Why did they not want you?

I must trust

He still holds you.

I must believe

He knew

He saw.

I never knew you, child.

I never hugged you

Never met you.

Only now, I miss you.

I love you, even though 

                           I never knew you.

Thief

Why'd you do it?

Why'd you steal my heart like that?

Why did you care so deeply for me?

Why did you hold my hand?

Why did you stare into my soul?

Why did you love me?

We seemed too different

Like mountains from the sea

And yet we seem to fit together

Like the hills on the California coast

It seems so lovely

Yet you seem to be a thief

How'd you do it?

How did you steal my heart?

How did you capture my eyes?

How did you pull me under?

How did you carry me away?

How did you make me love you?

And now I miss you

Like corn misses rain in summer

And I wait until we can be together 

Like bulbs wait for the spring sun 

It seems so long

Waiting for the thief to return.

Have I been wrong?

Have I been misguided?

By a heart that led me astray

Was I looking the wrong way?

Have a made a bad choice?

Was it a bad decision to love you?

But I don't doubt it for a second

Like the farmer don't doubt his horse

And I know we were made for each other

Like Sherlock and Watson

It seems so unlikely

But it was so perfectly done. 

You Should Know

 

You should know that I think the world of you. 

You should know that I'll always be here for you no matter how rough it gets. 

When plans don't go right

When the roof falls down

When the rain gets cold

And the roads get old

Your face is in a frown

And it gets lonely at night

You should know that I'll always be thinking of you and loving you and admiring you. 

You should know that I will always love you. 

It Could Be

It could be that I'm wrong most of the time, 

so I'm sorry for being a jerk so much.

It could be that even when you're wrong,

I should learn to just shut up. 

It could be that I'm still learning things,

so thanks for being patient with me.

Looking Ahead

These days I'm tryin' to live in right now and not be constantly wishing for the next thing, but, man, sometimes it's really hard to not get really excited about the future. 

I keep telling myself to just chill, especially since I don't know what the future holds. That's kind of a weird expression, you know? "What the future holds." The future don't hold nothin'. I mean, it's the future. The future is just a term we use to describe a certain time that never seems to come 'cause as soon as you get to the future, it ain't there no more. I've noticed that: you look forward to something, and then all of a sudden it's there, and you're still lookin' for the next thing. I guess we're kinda made like that, always lookin' for something else, somethin' better, some'in' bigger. 

Well, anyway, I am lookin' forward to the future. I'm looking ahead to tomorrow because that means it'll be a day closer to seein' you again. 

But, in the mean time, I guess I'll just be here doin' my thing. 

 

Hmmm...

 

Sometimes I wonder how you got to be the cool one,

and you really are pretty cool. 

Things I Do Know

Sometimes I feel pretty in the dark, like I ain't got a clue what's goin' on, but there's a bunch a do know. 

I know the sun is shining today even though I can't see it. 

I know egg sandwiches are good. 

I know the world is round. 

I know God is on His throne, and He's got everything in His control. 

I know that people will fail me, but God won't. 

I know the world will keep doin' what it's doin' as long as God wants it to. 

I know I like my cats. 

I know my car is supposed to be white even though it looks a bit messy right now. 

I know the driveway could use some raking, but I'll wait a bit longer. 

I know I love him more than I ever knew I could love anyone. 

I know I don't look like a super star, but I don't care. 

I know there's bleach all over my new shirt. 

I know I stink when I come home from work. 

I know I'm not the best driver in our family.

I know I complain too much. 

    But, I shouldn't and that's just a fact. 

Things I Don't Know

I don't know everything. 

I do know a few things, but I'm thinking about all the things I don't know. 

I don't know when I'll die.

I don't know if I'll have a car accident tomorrow. 

I don't know if I'll be able to have kids. 

I don't know if he won't leave me. 

I don't know if he isn't just a fake. 

I don't know if China really will take over. 

I don't know if I have cancer.

I don't know why they don't like him. 

I don't know if vaccines are always the best thing. 

I don't know if I'll be a good missionary (actually, I'm pretty sure I won't be...). 

I don't know why my brother died. 

I don't know why I've lived so long. 

I don't know why my other brother became an atheist. 

I don't know why Cindy doesn't want to believe in Jesus. 

I don't know why they don't settle somewhere. 

I don't know why Christians act so stupid sometimes. 

I don't know why I'm so mean sometimes. 

I don't know why God loves me. 

    But, He does, and that's amazing.  

Playing

 

Sometimes I think people might judge me for playing.

Maybe they think I act too young for my age. 

Maybe they think I should have moved on from playing in the gravel. 

Maybe I'm too weird for them, and that's why they don't give me a chance. 

But, you, you've given me a chance. 

Maybe it's because I've given you a chance. 

I treat you like a person but know how to get on your level. 

I'm not embarrassed to look silly if that's what'll make us friends. 

Thanks, buddy. 

I love you, and I'll keep playing with you as long as you want. 

*Photo by Mom