I don't really have words anymore. I used to have so much on my mind. I feel things but don't seem to have the time to think about what's actually going on. All I know is that I'm spent. I am tired. I feel angry a lot. Sometime I want something, but I don't know what. I wonder things, but I don't know why.
I have no words left.
I'm dealing with the sickness and the sluggishness and the laziness that is first trimester. It's been rough. I'm betting this is another girl. Mercy me, if it is. : )
And I am so grateful for that because I don't know if I could go on if there weren't any breaks.
I'm gonna try to write a poem
I haven't written in awhile
Life is so dang hard right now
But to them I'm in denial
I play my top music right now
Over and over again in my head
You know what I did from the top
My dreams playing it in bed
Someone who can write better
The darkness I feel deep down
The words come to me all messy
As my heart melts in a frown
Left all alone in a deep dark hole
You wonder how I don't believe
Him in everything that comes
But pain is hard to receive
I scream in my heart and my head
I listen as the words form a song
Somewhere deep inside I know
That His arm is mighty and strong
But for now curtains close
Over my soul in a dark cloak
You can tell me to believe
But my heart sputters in a choke
A year ago today, I texted Bethany for the last time. I never could have known it was my last time. I've wished so many times that I had texted more, called her, asked more questions; but what was there to ask? How was I to know she would kill herself the next morning? I didn't know that was the last day. I won't know next time either.
You always wish you could know, but you can't. You look back and wonder about signs, but you never know. And that's just what it is to be human, to not know a whole lot of imprtant stuff.
I'm so glad that winter doesn't last forever. I'm so glad the earth turns green again and the warm sun shines bright again. Sometimes it feels like it will never happen, but summer comes again.
