Not All Days Are Dark

And I am so grateful for that because I don't know if I could go on if there weren't any breaks. 

Dark Hole

I'm gonna try to write a poem

I haven't written in awhile

Life is so dang hard right now

But to them I'm in denial

I play my top music right now

Over and over again in my head

You know what I did from the top

My dreams playing it in bed

Someone who can write better

The darkness I feel deep down

The words come to me all messy

As my heart melts in a frown

Left all alone in a deep dark hole

You wonder how I don't believe

Him in everything that comes

But pain is hard to receive

I scream in my heart and my head

I listen as the words form a song

Somewhere deep inside I know

That His arm is mighty and strong

But for now curtains close

Over my soul in a dark cloak

You can tell me to believe

But my heart sputters in a choke

So Tired

Life is so tired.

Last night was a deep, dark hell for me. I felt like God had abandoned me. I felt desperately alone. I could hardly function. 

My poor baby has been so sick, and last night was the worst night yet. 

Life has been exhausting lately. It never stops. It never lets up. 

I cry out to God for help and mercy. Sometimes all I get is silence. I feel desserted. 

I'm so tired.

One Year Ago

A year ago today, I texted Bethany for the last time. I never could have known it was my last time. I've wished so many times that I had texted more, called her, asked more questions; but what was there to ask? How was I to know she would kill herself the next morning? I didn't know that was the last day. I won't know next time either. 

You always wish you could know, but you can't. You look back and wonder about signs, but you never know. And that's just what it is to be human, to not know a whole lot of imprtant stuff.

I'm So Glad

I'm so glad that winter doesn't last forever. I'm so glad the earth turns green again and the warm sun shines bright again. Sometimes it feels like it will never happen, but summer comes again. 

Scared to Die

Last night I had a dream that I was going to die in 27 minutes. I ended up not dying, but it made me realize how scared I am of death. I guess I like my life, and I don't know what death is going to be like. It's a weird thought. I don't want to leave Jacob and my kids behind.

I'm scared to die. 

Valentines Flower

A little flower with a little heart.